Thursday, June 6, 2013

Happy: Accept yourself along your journey

I had a weird thought today.  It's weird, because I haven't felt this feeling in a long time.  It's weird, because everyone should feel it.  Today, I felt happy.

It wasn't a fleeting happiness, like "Yay, something good just happened to distract me."  It was a deep, overwhelming sense of right in my life.  I tell you it's strange, because for the last several years, I have been battling depression.  I am very open with everyone in my life about this, and they stand by helplessly wondering why someone with so many things going right can feel so badly.

I was depressed because I could not live with myself.  As a high achieving woman, the fact that my body did not reflect my quest for perfection has plagued me my entire life.  Yes, I can be smart, but never conventionally beautiful.  I have always felt loved and accepted by people in my life, but I have never thought to give that to myself.  It is only recently that I have stepped back and evaluated my constant battle to be thin.

There are always times I can look back and think, "If only I had been happy then..."  In college, I was a good 60 pounds lighter, and still I hated myself.  I realize now that it is this hatred that has kept me overweight and unhappy my entire life.  Well, no longer.  Today I stand to love myself as I am, knowing that I am on a journey to something better.

I have tried to lose weight for over 15 years with the same end result, but I have always thought that happiness would come at the end, when I was thin.  Happiness won't come from a pant size or a scale number.  Happiness is cultivated through time and self acceptance.  I think I will try a different approach now.  I will accept myself as is, and I will strive to make myself better.

I have to credit this realization to yoga and blogging.  Through my time on the mat, I find myself growing stronger, not thinner.  I find myself turning inward and releasing feelings that I have kept inside for years.  Through blogging, I find freedom to express myself and share my thoughts to anyone that will listen.  I am just excited that people are listening.

Life is a journey, and I intend to make this one a good one.  To anyone out there struggling to accept who they are, all I can tell you is there is nothing better at the end, the only good is now.  I still intend to record my day to day as I struggle to make the right choices, but those choices are now coming from a place of love for myself, not hatred.

It has taken me almost 28 years to realize that being thin will not fix my problems, and I hope it is a lesson I will not soon forget.


Thank you for sharing in my journey.


2 comments:

  1. I couldn't agree more. It's weird to think back to when I was thinner and realize that I was even harder on myself then and STILL wasn't happy with the way that I looked. You are so right - being thin does not equal happiness. It's how you feel on the inside that counts. Thanks for this reminder!

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    Replies
    1. :) sometimes we forget to be happy, but it should be way more important than being skinny

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